Yesterday I felt down, like really, really down. All I could think about all day was money. How little I have. How much I owe. How hard I work without seeing big financial gains.
It got me down. I had the deep, down, debt and money blues.
And, it's totally ok. It's totally ok to have a moment, or even a whole day, where you feel like poo about your situation, but do yourself a favor, my dear reader, and don't stay in that place of despair.
Take an hour, an afternoon, or even a whole day to feel it, to experience it, to be with your money woes. Stay in bed. Curl up on the couch under a mound of blankets and binge watch as many old episodes of "Friends" or "Orange is the New Black" or whatever show lets you forget your reality for a brief moment. Don't do the dishes. Don't wash your hair or take a shower. Don't answer the phone or the door. Don't check the mail.
Take an hour, an afternoon, a whole day to just be.
My dear reader, I totally get it. And, other than going to work, that's what I did yesterday. I wallowed, I whined, I hid. I felt like crap about my debt and money situation and I'm totally ok with that.
I went to bed early last night because I just didn't want to do anything else because I felt like crap about money. I fed my kid leftovers because I felt like crap about money and couldn't face washing dishes in order to have a clean pot or frying pan to make some dinner because all I could think was "Money, debt, money, debt, money, debt" all day yesterday.
Today, I didn't have to work so I did exactly ONE responsible thing and took my car to the mechanic for a repair estimate. They gave me a free ride home and I've been sitting on my couch all day today reading because I couldn't yesterday since I had to work.
And, you know what?
All that sulking before and after work yesterday?
All that binge reading today?
I feel a lot better.
Like, a WHOLE LOT BETTER.
I will go take a shower now, wash the dishes I didn't wash yesterday, and will make dinner tonight. I will clean up my bathroom and tidy my living room. I will pay a bill. I will get together my to-do list for tomorrow.
Reader, it's ok to have a day of being down-and-out and to wallow and feel bad and feel sorry for yourself. However, it is not ok to feel that way every day for days on end. If you find yourself feeling sad, depressed, worthless, or lost for more than an hour, an afternoon, a whole day... If you feel yourself slipping into this negative space for days, weeks, months on end...
Please get help. Please call your doctor. Please see a counselor. Please go to your pastor or a trusted mentor. Please get help.
I have suffered from depression my entire life and I have been in counseling and I have taken antidepressants. There is NO SHAME in any of this because you have an obligation to yourself to take care of you and sometimes getting help is the only way to do that.
I have felt awful for weeks, even months, and this past month has been the worst in a long time. I just qualified for insurance through my employer and plan to see a primary care doctor, ask to go back on an antidepressant, and to go to counseling because I need an objective voice to help me navigate these rough waters. I need medication to help me stay afloat right now.
If you do to, then please get help.
If you don't have insurance or financial means to pay for counseling, a doctor's visit, or medication, seek out help anyhow. I live across the street from a health clinic that offers primary and family care, ob-gyn care, dental care, and more. And, they also offer a sliding scale based on income and your financial situation...even offering some FREE appointments for those really in need. And, it's actually a really nice clinic. It's not a gross, downtown, middle of the worst-neighborhood-in-town-wait-six-hours-for-a-half-assed-visit-with-an-overworked-doctor-that-doesn't-have-enough-energy-to-care type of clinic. Nope, this is a suburban clinic with practitioners who have the time and energy to care and they have the time and energy to understand that not everyone can afford the care they need. If you need help and can't afford it, ask for help finding solutions like the clinic across the street from me that has a sliding scale and doesn't leave you feeling the need for a shower to wash off the gross as soon as you walk out the door.
If you live in a town or a city with a YWCA or YMCA or with an organization like Jewish Family and Children's Services, call and ask if they offer counseling and mental health services. When I lived in Portland, Oregon, the counseling services offered a sliding scale and I saw a counselor weekly for $5. That saved my sanity during some difficult years as I was navigating an abusive relationship. If you don't have organizations like the ones I mentioned or like the clinic across the street from me, start calling the churches and synagogues in your neighborhood and ask if they know of resources (many won't require you to follow their religion...like you don't have to be Jewish to use many services from Jewish Family and Children's Services).
If you are so far down and out that you can't even look for resources or don't know who to ask for help, or you are on the edge and your life is at stake, please call
the National Suicide Hotline at
1-800-273-8255.
If you are so down-and-out, so depressed, so lost that you feel like you may harm yourself and calling a hotline isn't enough, go to your local Emergency Department.
While they are trained to deal with physical medical problems, they also take mental health crises very seriously and can help you get the help you need and in the meantime, you can be sure that you are in a safe place with people to help look after you.
So, I let myself wallow yesterday and today. I'm feeling better, but still have a lot of despair over money, over working so hard and not seeing any tangible results, and more. And, I am predisposed to depression. It's been and probably will continue to be a lifelong fact of my life.
It's not a battle. Depression isn't a battle for me. It's simply a part of who I am. And, in a weird way, I actually really appreciate it -- I wouldn't wish it on you if you don't deal with depression, but I really do find it useful in some ways. When I am not feeling the worst of it, I can use my depression to weight out other things in my life. I can use it to weigh out how fortunate I actually am DESPITE my depression. I can use it to weigh out how far I have come since I was a child and didn't know there was a name for my sudden outbursts of misery and tears and despair. I can weigh out how far I've come since a long, lonely year of college in a town that was too small and isolated for me. I can weigh out how far I've come since leaving an abusive relationship and rebuilding my life and my son's life.
I can weight out how I have learned to SURVIVE and THRIVE and PERSIST.
So, my dear reader, whether you are feeling held down by debt, by relationships, by a fact of depression being part of who you are...
Please get help and take care of you.
Take an hour, an afternoon, a whole day (or two) to wallow and then ask for help.
{{hugs}}
***Nothing in this post should be taken as medical or mental health advice. These are my opinions only. I am NOT a health care provider of any kind and you should ALWAYS seek professional help from a certified health care or mental health provider if you have concerns or needs.***
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