When debt (and more) gets you down

Dear reader,

Yesterday I felt down, like really, really down. All I could think about all day was money. How little I have. How much I owe. How hard I work without seeing big financial gains.

It got me down. I had the deep, down, debt and money blues.

And, it's totally ok. It's totally ok to have a moment, or even a whole day, where you feel like poo about your situation, but do yourself a favor, my dear reader, and don't stay in that place of despair.

Take an hour, an afternoon, or even a whole day to feel it, to experience it, to be with your money woes. Stay in bed. Curl up on the couch under a mound of blankets and binge watch as many old episodes of "Friends" or "Orange is the New Black" or whatever show lets you forget your reality for a brief moment. Don't do the dishes. Don't wash your hair or take a shower. Don't answer the phone or the door. Don't check the mail.

Take an hour, an afternoon, a whole day to just be.

My dear reader, I totally get it. And, other than going to work, that's what I did yesterday. I wallowed, I whined, I hid. I felt like crap about my debt and money situation and I'm totally ok with that.

I went to bed early last night because I just didn't want to do anything else because I felt like crap about money. I fed my kid leftovers because I felt like crap about money and couldn't face washing dishes in order to have a clean pot or frying pan to make some dinner because all I could think was "Money, debt, money, debt, money, debt" all day yesterday.

Today, I didn't have to work so I did exactly ONE responsible thing and took my car to the mechanic for a repair estimate. They gave me a free ride home and I've been sitting on my couch all day today reading because I couldn't yesterday since I had to work.

And, you know what?

All that sulking before and after work yesterday?

All that binge reading today?

I feel a lot better.

Like, a WHOLE LOT BETTER.

I will go take a shower now, wash the dishes I didn't wash yesterday, and will make dinner tonight. I will clean up my bathroom and tidy my living room. I will pay a bill. I will get together my to-do list for tomorrow.

Reader, it's ok to have a day of being down-and-out and to wallow and feel bad and feel sorry for yourself. However, it is not ok to feel that way every day for days on end. If you find yourself feeling sad, depressed, worthless, or lost for more than an hour, an afternoon, a whole day... If you feel yourself slipping into this negative space for days, weeks, months on end...

Please get help. Please call your doctor. Please see a counselor. Please go to your pastor or a trusted mentor. Please get help.

I have suffered from depression my entire life and I have been in counseling and I have taken antidepressants. There is NO SHAME in any of this because you have an obligation to yourself to take care of you and sometimes getting help is the only way to do that.

I have felt awful for weeks, even months, and this past month has been the worst in a long time. I just qualified for insurance through my employer and plan to see a primary care doctor, ask to go back on an antidepressant, and to go to counseling because I need an objective voice to help me navigate these rough waters. I need medication to help me stay afloat right now.

If you do to, then please get help.

If you don't have insurance or financial means to pay for counseling, a doctor's visit, or medication, seek out help anyhow. I live across the street from a health clinic that offers primary and family care, ob-gyn care, dental care, and more. And, they also offer a sliding scale based on income and your financial situation...even offering some FREE appointments for those really in need. And, it's actually a really nice clinic. It's not a gross, downtown, middle of the worst-neighborhood-in-town-wait-six-hours-for-a-half-assed-visit-with-an-overworked-doctor-that-doesn't-have-enough-energy-to-care type of clinic. Nope, this is a suburban clinic with practitioners who have the time and energy to care and they have the time and energy to understand that not everyone can afford the care they need. If you need help and can't afford it, ask for help finding solutions like the clinic across the street from me that has a sliding scale and doesn't leave you feeling the need for a shower to wash off the gross as soon as you walk out the door.

If you live in a town or a city with a YWCA or YMCA or with an organization like Jewish Family and Children's Services, call and ask if they offer counseling and mental health services. When I lived in Portland, Oregon, the counseling services offered a sliding scale and I saw a counselor weekly for $5. That saved my sanity during some difficult years as I was navigating an abusive relationship. If you don't have organizations like the ones I mentioned or like the clinic across the street from me, start calling the churches and synagogues in your neighborhood and ask if they know of resources (many won't require you to follow their religion...like you don't have to be Jewish to use many services from Jewish Family and Children's Services).

If you are so far down and out that you can't even look for resources or don't know who to ask for help, or you are on the edge and your life is at stake, please call  

the National Suicide Hotline at 

1-800-273-8255.

If you are so down-and-out, so depressed, so lost that you feel like you may harm yourself and calling a hotline isn't enough, go to your local Emergency Department. 

While they are trained to deal with physical medical problems, they also take mental health crises very seriously and can help you get the help you need and in the meantime, you can be sure that you are in a safe place with people to help look after you. 

So, I let myself wallow yesterday and today. I'm feeling better, but still have a lot of despair over money, over working so hard and not seeing any tangible results, and more. And, I am predisposed to depression. It's been and probably will continue to be a lifelong fact of my life.

It's not a battle. Depression isn't a battle for me. It's simply a part of who I am. And, in a weird way, I actually really appreciate it -- I wouldn't wish it on you if you don't deal with depression, but I really do find it useful in some ways. When I am not feeling the worst of it, I can use my depression to weight out other things in my life. I can use it to weigh out how fortunate I actually am DESPITE my depression. I can use it to weigh out how far I have come since I was a child and didn't know there was a name for my sudden outbursts of misery and tears and despair. I can weigh out how far I've come since a long, lonely year of college in a town that was too small and isolated for me. I can weigh out how far I've come since leaving an abusive relationship and rebuilding my life and my son's life.

I can weight out how I have learned to SURVIVE and THRIVE and PERSIST.

So, my dear reader, whether you are feeling held down by debt, by relationships, by a fact of depression being part of who you are...

Please get help and take care of you.

Take an hour, an afternoon, a whole day (or two) to wallow and then ask for help.

{{hugs}}

***Nothing in this post should be taken as medical or mental health advice. These are my opinions only. I am NOT a health care provider of any kind and you should ALWAYS seek professional help from a certified health care or mental health provider if you have concerns or needs.***

How bicycle commuting is helping my pay off debt

I've been bicycle commuting for a few months now, mostly out of necessity, but now I'm really enjoying it. And, it has financial benefits too!

I am lucky enough to work only 2.5 miles from one of my two work sites and close to several grocery stores and other amenities. My other work site is about 8.5 miles from home and I only have to go there on occasion, but I still bike there! While I realize this post won't have value for people who live far from their work, stores, etc or people who live in especially harsh climates, I hope some of you will find this inspiring and will go out and brush off your bikes and get pedaling (safely, of course).

I have been riding my bicycle to and from work, to the grocery store and bank, to the library, and on various errands. It's had so many benefits!

The obvious financial benefits include:

• reduced gasoline costs
• reduced car maintenance costs
• reduced car insurance costs

I'm honestly considering selling my car entirely as I've worked out that renting a car one day every week will cost less than keeping up my own car! And, honestly, I don't even need a car once per week! If I get rid of my car entirely my car-related costs will drop a TON!

Less obvious financial benefits to my bicycle commuting have included:

• improved asthma control (less $ spent on medication)
• fewer impulse purchases (especially things like coffee or fast food and non-essentials at the grocery store since I can't carry too much on my bike!)
• better grocery choices as I need to consider the nutritional value of what I buy and eat if I want to keep up this lifestyle change

I'm experiencing a ton of health benefits as a result of bicycling so much as well. These health benefits have the potential to reduce my long-term financial expenses by reducing the amount of money I need to spend on health care. Because I've been bicycling and also paying more attention to my diet in order to promote the energy reserves I need for cycling, I have noticed:

• improved asthma symptoms, as mentioned above
• weight loss
• improved digestion
• clearer skin
• improved psoriasis symptoms
• more energy
• better sleep
• better mood

I haven't had any lab testing or a medical exam since I've started bicycling, but I do work in healthcare and I can see and feel huge health improvements!

{{Please note, I am NOT a physician or medical professional and NOTHING in this post should be taken as medical advice! Please see your doctor or healthcare provider before making lifestyle changes like I have undertaken.}}

Are you curious how much bicycle commuting might save you? Check out THIS calculator from Kiplinger's. My commute is short, but bicycle commuting saves me about $2 per day! I work an average of 16 days per month, so that's a savings of about $32 per month or $384 per year.

The downside of bicycle commuting
Now, I don't want you think bicycling is ONLY saving me money. There are some costs involved and if you take up bicycle commuting, you'll have to decide if these costs are worth it. 

If you don't have a bike, obviously you'd have to invest in one to take up bicycle commuting. For the moment, I am riding my step-mom's bike, but I am saving to buy a bike for myself and one for my son. My budget is $250 for both + $100 for accessories (baskets, panniers, lights, etc). We already have helmets, bike locks, and a friend gave me a tire pump. I've had to invest in some weather-friendly clothes, but bought them all on sale (about $30). I also had to replace a tire inner tube and bought a spare ($9 each at a bike shop within walking distance from my home).

At some point, the bicycle I'm riding will also need a tune up ($60 at the local bike shop). If you live somewhere with a lot of rain or snow, you might also need to invest in fenders and if you plan to haul cargo or lots of groceries, you'll want to consider panniers (bags that hang over your back wheel) or baskets and racks.

Also, I'm not sure this is a downside to bicycle commuting, but it does mean spending a little more money -- I'm LOSING WEIGHT! I don't own a scale so not sure how much I've actually lost but almost all of my clothes are too big now! I'm slowly replacing things as I see deals and find things that need to be replaced anyhow.

Staying safe
Of course, another significant concern is safety. Be sure to ALWAYS wear a helmet! Working in emergency medicine, I can tell you the consequences of a crash without a helmet on can be disasterous (and expensive!). Also, be sure you have a headlight and taillight if you will be riding in the dark.

Before I began bicycle commuting, I also looked up both local regulations about bicycling and bike routes. There are very few bicycle lanes here and not a lot of cyclist so drivers aren't used to bicyclists on the road. Be sure you know your local laws, customs, and bike routes!

ALWAYS be aware of your surroundings and use caution when approaching intersections or around cars.

If bicycle commuting isn't for you
Obviously bicycle commuting won't work for you if your commute is incredibly long or in extremely bad weather. However, you can probably still reduce your commuting costs if you can't bicycle. Make sure you keep your tires properly inflated (it actually can make a HUGE difference) and keep your car well maintained -- check sites like Groupon for maintenance deals and go directly to the websites for your local mechanic or car dealerships with service departments to find sales and coupons.

To save money on gas, be sure to check out Gas Buddy to price shop for the best gasoline rates and find out if your local grocery store has a savings program tied to gasoline savings.

If you take public transportation, consider buying weekly or monthly or even annual passes -- often the longer time period covered by the pass the greater the savings. Also, look to see if HOW you buy your pass makes a difference. I used to live in an area where buying your passes online saved you quite a bit of money!

What are your alternative commuting tips to help save money?

Zero food waste and my budget

I grew up in a home where a lot of food got wasted -- A LOT. As new food was bought, older food was simply pushed to the back of the fridge, freezer, and cupboards to rot. Leftovers were only occasionally eaten and no care was taken to look at prices when grocery shopping nor were efforts made before shopping to save money (no couponing, no looking over weekly sales ads, no price comparisons).

In some ways, I was very lucky to grow up that way -- I never went hungry and I never feared going hungry.

In other ways though, that type of environment taught me nothing about waste, keeping a budget, or money skills.

It has taken me a very long time to learn any money skills at all or how my food and grocery habits could impact my budget. In fact, although I made great strides after moving out and having a child of my own, it wasn't until my son and I moved back in with my mom several years later that I really started to notice how my family's bad food/grocery habits during my childhood affected my food-related money choices. I love my mom dearly and am so grateful that we were able to move in with her during a time of dire need, but we had very different habits and very different budgets. My mom was financially stable enough to continue to not worry about money, but my budget was extremely tight. I had to weigh my options at the grocery store and be careful that I made our money and food stretch in order to make ends meet and get ahead.

The final straw was when I realized how often food I bought with my own money was getting shoved to the back of the fridge, freezer, and cupboards when my mom bought food. Sometimes my groceries would get smashed so that when I found them they weren't really usable -- like a tomato with a heavy package placed on top of it. I tried talking to my mom about the problem which helped briefly. I tried using hard plastic containers with lids with minor success. I tried a number of other options.

Eventually, my son and I moved out so that I could go to graduate school and I was able to re-implement many of my frugal habits, including minimizing food waste. However, lately I've found both my son and I slip-sliding into bad habits again.

Today, I threw away a half bunch of celery, half bag of salad, and a serving of homemade chana masala. That's not a whole lot, but it still translates to throwing money in the trash. I also realized that I have asparagus that needs to be eaten in the next two days and two apples that will need to be eaten soon as well.

While I may not have cleared out a lot of food waste today, I wish I'd formulated a plan to eat those foods instead. Every time you throw away food, you have to spend more money to replace it. And, if you let THAT food go to waste? Well, more money wasted and more money having to be spent to replace the wasted food again. And, on and on and on...

This week, I'll be hyper focused on minimizing food waste to improve my budget. And, as a side benefit, because I've been buying mostly WHOLE, UNPROCESSED foods, I'm also benefiting our health in the long term which then translates to fewer medical costs over time.

{{I'll do a post in the future about how I save money at the grocery store -- last week, I saved 60% without being super extreme!}}

My zero food waste plans for this week:

• Take my own lunch/snacks to work daily
• Take advantage of free breakfast and lunch at work when my schedule and the meal schedule match up
• Oatmeal, pancakes, waffles for breakfast daily for both of us
• Apple fries for dessert tomorrow night to use up the two apples mentioned above
• Leftovers for dinner tomorrow night (minestrone soup from Thug Kitchen* cookbook -- insanely good!)
• Huge batch of homemade broth from veggie scraps I've been saving in a container in the freezer (it's basically FREE other than the electricity to run the stove and water and soap to wash the dishes! Just the scraps, water, and some seasoning!)
• Asparagus fries as a snack tomorrow night
• Homemade tortilla soup (also from Thug Kitchen) on Monday night
• Evaluate perishables daily and meal plan for the following two to three days based on what's about to go bad

How do you handle food waste, meal planning, and your grocery budget?  

Yesterday's post: Paying off debt one penny at a time
Tomorrow's post: How bicycle commuting is saving me money.
And two days from now: How I'm using coloring to motivate my debt reduction

DEBT TRACKING:
Original total: $110,000
Paid off yesterday: $50
New total: $109,950


*Thug Kitchen is a vegan cookbook and IT IS FREAKING AWESOME! Even my son, a teenager who loves meat, thinks the recipes are outstanding. If you eat meat, consider cutting back -- it can save you a ton of money with some practice. However, if you are sensitive to swearing, this cookbook isn't for you, no matter how great the recipes are! It is filled to the gills with F-bombs.

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